you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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