I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
