He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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