I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
