Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
