The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
