I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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