threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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