Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
