a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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