There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
