Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
