Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
