Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
