I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
