so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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