she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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