I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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