saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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