my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
