peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
