you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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