i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My ass is underappreciated
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
