i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
smell my finger.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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