I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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