Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
