happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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