I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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