I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
FUCK WHALES
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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