I can't watch pbs sober anymore
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
