I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
