he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
