im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
