can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
