Someone shit on the floor
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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