No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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