They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
