you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
