I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
