There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
