does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
