I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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