The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were destined to go to rehab together
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
