I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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