That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
