He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
