My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
