I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
