her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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