I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Randomize
