When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
