i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
