Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
